Humour

A section to bring a smile and show health and safety doesn’t always have to be serious. 
If you have any humourous stories or pictures that you’d like to share, please email them to us.

Top 10 of health and safety photos from around the world:
Click here to view

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians in the US 

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her side for more than one year
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared
The patient has been depressed ever since she started seeing me in 1983
Patient was released to out patient department without dressing
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful
The patient refused an autopsy
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully
Patient has left his white blood cells in another hospital
The patient’s past medical history has been remarkabley insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airoplane ran out of gas and crashed.
She is numb from her toes down
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home
The skin was moist and dry
Patient was alert and unresponsive
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room

Another from the web -

Dear Sir:
  I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block= #3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
  I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone= on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
  Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in block #11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at= being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
  Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull,= minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.
  I slowed only slightly, & continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly= to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
  I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs=and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to= move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.
  This explains the two broken legs.

ANT STORY - Please Do Not try this at home

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency room right away.

STRANGE BUT TRUE....

- A man who threw a boomerang that came back and hit him on the head has sued himself for causing bodily harm through negligence.
- A teenager who suffered a 40ft fall from a warehouse earlier this year while he was trespassing was awarded £567,000 in compensation - 50 times the limit that the family of a murdered person can receive.

Here are a few warning texts from actual packaging Risk Managers have placed on their products around the world.

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial Soap: Directions - Use like regular soap.

On some Swann Frozen dinners: Serving suggestion - Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a bo:. Fits one head.

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot’s children’s cough medecine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning - may cause drowsiness

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning- keep out of children

On a string of Chinese made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning - contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions - open packet, eat nuts.

On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.